I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
