Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
