I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
