There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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