I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
