how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
