I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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