If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
