i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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