your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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