if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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