Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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