I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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