he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
