Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You're a waste of cheezeits
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
