i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
