meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
