I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
