Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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