I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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