Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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