Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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