I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
