i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
