I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
