Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
