Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
