I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.