I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
