I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
