dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
