Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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