Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just found a bag of teeth...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
