I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
