when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
