There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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