Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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