oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
