I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
