I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
