So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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