So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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