Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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