I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
