I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry about my life...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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