When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
