My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
