omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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