I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
