I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
