I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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