It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
